Google, we have a malfunction

Still looking... (picture source:

Still looking… (picture source:

Some of you come here because you know me, some because you have signed up to receive an email prompt. Some of you are fellow bloggers who have seen one of my posts on the WordPress reader, others have had links forwarded through either Facebook or Twitter. Then there is a final group, a group of you who arrived via a search engine.

Now I love all of you equally, but I have a particular soft spot for people who stumble upon this blog because you were looking for an answer. And boy are there some strange questions to which you would like answers. I know because I get to see the search terms used to arrive at my blog (don’t worry, I don’t get to see who you are or where you live – although I do get to see which country). Rather than keep these gems to myself, I thought I would share some of my favourites with you. Enjoy!

Having just received a summons, Tinkles looked a little non-plussed (picture source:

Having just received a summons, Tinkles looked a little nonplussed (picture source:

Is it against the law for a cat to shit in my garden?

Every week I get many visitors to my The cat that shits in my garden post looking for answers. It is my post that keeps on giving. Most are looking for some form of deterrent, a few are looking at the best ways to kill the feline defecator without getting caught. Some, however, want to go down the legal route. If you can’t stop them, sue the bastards! Can you sue a cat? I’m not sure, but there are one or two people out there who are willing to find out.

Do the British celebrate the 4th July?

No, is the simple answer. We lost. We had our asses handed to us (as our cousins over the pond like to say). Yes, there were a number of mitigating circumstances, which I pointed out in a post I wrote during the summer, but do you really think we would celebrate a defeat? Then again, Texans celebrate the Battle of the Alamo, so maybe we should after all, and not just because it was our idea in the first place.

One night stands in Suffolk

So you’re young and single, or you are old and single, or maybe you are not single and have flexible morals. Whatever the circumstances, you are in Suffolk and looking for a good time. Now Suffolk is a quiet, rural county, not known as a thriving hotbed of libidinous hedonists (at least it never was when I was looking but then again, maybe the issue had more to do with who was searching). So how do you find out the best way to meet somebody for no strings sex?  Ask Google. Sadly Google sent you to my blog. How disappointed must this person have been, looking for a good time but being pointed to a rant by a grumpy man about sexism. And the poor person was clearly desperate as I’m on page 2 of this particular search result. Well I had to check, for research purposes of course…

Who changes Stephen Hawking’s’ diaper?

There are times when I despair at humanity. Unless you are Professor Stephen Hawking, or you are a manufacturer of adult nappies for the disabled looking for celebrity endorsement, why would you care? Yet someone, somewhere, wanted to know and they found my blog (and before you ask; no, I did not make a joke about Professor Hawking, I just happened to mention his name in one of my semi-regular series on Petty Domestic Disputes). I have a message for that person: life is too short for researching this dross. You clearly have an inquisitive mind, why not put it to good use and discover things for the benefit of humanity, just as Professor Stephen Hawking has.

This is so true (picture source:

This is so true (picture source:

Why are guys so confusing?

When I first saw this search term come up, I felt a moment of sympathy. I imagined a shy, teenage girl confused at not being unable to understand boys her own age, driven to turn to Google to find  answers on why guys are so confusing and mistakenly looking at my why men are confused post for answers. Then, as with earlier, I googled the question myself to see whereabouts my blog came in the results list. And I looked, and I looked, and by page 25 I gave up and searched via Bing instead. Again I looked and I looked, past blogs about “why do men take so long to have a poo” and “why are their so many men on this site (for lesbian dating)” until I came to the conclusion that this visitor wasn’t so much confused as obsessed to an unhealthy degree. So if you are reading this; please, let it go. We aren’t worth the anxiety.

And finally comes the most bizarre search term of all:

Long hair picking nose

Is this an obscure Bob Dylan song lyric? Maybe it is a secret code that will start the Zombie Apocalypse? Whatever it is, somebody was interested enough to type this into a search engine and arrive at my blog. I wonder if what they read here was as confusing to them as their search term was to me.


20 thoughts on “Google, we have a malfunction

  1. ‘Long hair nose picking’ does sound like a 60’s protest song!

    I did a check like this about six months ago and figured out that I had a headline that was also a term for a very strange, and very obscure, pornographic act. I changed that headline.

    • That’s brilliant (and now my mind is racing). I’m half tempted to surreptitiously add the odd phrase as a headline myself, to generate more traffic, although I think I may have to switch off comments first.

      • I don’t remember the exact phrase but i do recall that apparently you can get a different group of readers if you write “diaperman” than if you remember to leave in the space between the words and write “diaper man”.
        I decided that I did not want diapermen
        reading my blog!

  2. Ha Ha! Love this post Dylan. I get things like ‘how to store a summerhouse’. Very boring! Can’t get over Long Hair Picking Nose…the mind boggles 😉

  3. Great post and of course, it prompted me to ‘do the check’. Most was as I expected – plenty of ‘writer’s notepad’, ‘show not tell’, ‘editing tips’, ‘writing exercises’ and so on. But then came, ‘flagon sheep dip’ (whaaat?) even more intriguingly, ‘how to draw the outline of a dead body’….

    • Flagon sheep dip sounds like the name of a beer. I may do a post on how to draw the outline of a dead body. 1. Go to dead body. If dead body cannot be located, supply your own…

      • I kinda hoped the person who queried how to draw the outline hadn’t already supplied the insert by some nefarious means.

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