The cat that shits in my garden

There’s a cat that shits in my garden. There may be more than one cat – I don’t know as I’ve never seen it – but there is at least one that shits on my lawn. I hate that cat.


Are you the cat? (Photo credit: Kenny Teo (zoompict))

I have dreams about that cat and what I’d like to do to it if I caught it in the act. But the cat is sneaky, as cats often are, and it shits while I’m sleeping, taking revenge on my dreams of revenge. Sometimes it waits until it sees that my car is gone, other times it waits until the cricket starts on TV. It now knows my routine well enough that it sometimes shits while I’m writing; in fact it could be shitting there now. I’d better check.

I first spotted the cat shit whilst mowing. When I say spotted, I mean smelt, because the cat had kindly hidden its shit under some moss. Gagging whilst cleaning out the grass collector, and a lifetimes enmity was born.

I wouldn’t mind so much if the cat shat under a bush or the large conifer at the front but no, it continues to shit right in the middle of the lawn. Well, I call it a lawn but it is mostly moss, or at least used to be mostly moss. I had a suspicion that the cat liked the softness of the moss and that was why it chose to shit on my lawn, so I  used weed and feed to kill the moss and resurrect the lawn. That will teach it, I thought. Now the  the cat shits on the large bare patches of earth between the few remaining tufts of grass that make up what I used to call my front lawn.

I blame cat owners. They know how cats turn evil once they are out of the house. In fact, I’m sure most cat owners love it when their cat shits in someone else’s garden. These would be the same people who growl with disgust when they see dog poo on the path, swearing about selfish dog owners who refuse to pick up. I hate selfish dog owners too, but dogs don’t shit on my garden.

If cat owners had any sense of responsibility they would make their cats wear nappies. That’s what considerate people would do. Maybe the scratch marks received whilst fighting a cat into a nappy would make them think twice about owning one of these devious creatures. I mean, what’s the attraction of a cat? They come and go as they please, look down their noses at you; they make the house stink and cause my wife’s eyes to stream whenever she goes anywhere near them. The only good thing about owning a cat is that it shits in someone else’s garden, usually mine.

Nerf War: Gun

Anti-cat shit device (Photo credit: Jake Sutton)

I waited up one night, looking out of the spare room window with Nerf gun in hand, hoping to catch a glimpse of my nemesis. I didn’t want to hurt it (what do you think I am, some kind of sadist?) but I hope the screech of the dart would scare it away, never to return. The coward never showed and I ended up with a stiff neck from the cold night air. I hate that cat.

I think people love cats because they have a knowing air about them. It’s the slight smile on their face as they listen to you speak, looking for all the world that they understand and empathise that the woman at the supermarket spoke rudely to you. I had a friend who used to smile like that at work during meetings. He didn’t say much, but everybody thought he was really clever. He wasn’t, but he was clever enough to know that an enigmatic smile and silence can take you a long way in life. Cats are like this, cats aren’t intelligent, cats are stupid, yet this cat has the better of me. I hate that cat.


17 thoughts on “The cat that shits in my garden

  1. I would like to thank everybody who has ‘liked’ this blog post. All through today I have received emails telling me that “(add name here) likes the cat that shits in my garden,” which has made me giggle more than it probably should. Thank you all.

    • Shoot the little bastard!
      I too have the same problem, but on a much bigger scale.
      We live in a small hamlet and there must be over 40 cats here. Every morning our garden is littered in cat shit. My children’s toys are totally covered in cat shit and stink of cat piss. This morning my 4 year old boy went running out in the garden, tripped over and ended up with cat shit all over his face. Tell me that’s not a health hazard!
      Don’t get me wrong, I’m no cat hater as such, it’s more the ignorant owners that I can’t stand.
      We have one family who “own” 9 cats. None of which ever live indoors! Free to roam 24 hrs a day to shit and piss everywhere.
      My whole garden stinks from these little bastards. Not only that but they have dug up half my veg patch, killed over £200 worth of plants and constantly hassle our rabbits even though they are in a raised hutch.
      Get a dog, I here people say. I have a dog, a very big dog, in fact a 19 stone English mastiff. This keeps the cats away- to a certain extent, but only during the day. It’s at night time that the little bastards do the damage.
      A question to all you cat owners………..
      If I let my 19 stone mastiff out at night time to dig your lawns up, shit all over your garden, rip open your bin bags, piss and shit over your childrens toys, dig your plants up and sit in your garden whining all night, would this be ok? No, I thought not…
      Then why do you ignorant sods think it’s ok to do so with your precious cats?
      Are you aware that cats are true carnivores? Their dietary requirements are EXACTLY the same as a lion or tiger in that they require WHOLE carcasses, ie skin/fur, bones, muscle meat, organs and stomache contents. If they don’t get these then they will scavenge to find more food, hence rip open bin bags. A tin of 50p cat food, which I may add, is the scrapings off the floor from the slaughter house, is not going to be adequate, is it? But then cat owners are ignorant and lazy and can’t be bothered to find this out, can they!
      How long do you think you could feed a tiger on a tin of whiskers shit before it started looking elsewhere for food?
      If you want a pet then at least do your homework and find out what their dietary requirements are.
      Cats are wild animals. Wild animals should never be kept as a PETS.
      If you are at work all day and can’t be arsed to keep your pet in at night time, get a fuckin goldfish!
      I could of course spend money on deterrents, but why should I pay to sort out other people’s problem cats?
      I cover a local farmer’s land for pest control and I tell you now I can shoot a rabbit at 60 yards, clean through the head EVERY time with a .22 air rifle. I’m certain I can shoot some moggy at 20 yards clean through its brain!
      Yes I’m aware it it is illegal and will Incur a fine, but the health of my children is more important than staying on the right side of the law!
      As of today I have placed a sign on my garden gate stating that ALL cats found on my property will be shot.
      As from tomorrow I will have anti vandal paint covering all of my garden fence and gates. From then on all cats will either be shot and killed, or will walk back home covering their owners entire homes in black grease and paint!
      As I have just mentioned, I realise that shooting cats is illegal but there is no way that anyone is going to firstly see me do it and secondly there will be no proof, as I will give the dead cat to my dog to eat, voila……no evidence!
      To all you responsible cat owners who keep your cats well fed and indoors, I applaud you, I really do. To all the ignorant cat owners out there, educate yourselves. It’s only you and your cats that will suffer!!!!!!!!!
      I know this has been long winded and some may say vented with anger, but speaking from someone who has lost a 4 year old daughter to cancer a few years ago, my childrens health comes way, way before the law!!!

      One pissed off parent!

      • I hear your pain. I’ve heard a plastic mesh around the boundaries and, crucially, over the top of the garden, works well. You need to ensure all wildlife is out before the meshing takes place, there’s nothing worse than angry sparrows. Nothing.
        Make sure the mesh isn’t too tight though, you’ll still need pollenating insects and there’s nothing worse than a piebald tan.
        I suggest a letter to your local MP. Surely a question to the house would put everything in order. The RSPB can be very accommodating, although their cat hunters tend to be a little too fundamental for my taste.
        Good luck, my friend, and good hunting.

  2. Judging by the piles of cat shit in our garden every morning, we’ve got every sodding feline coming having a nightly rave on our lawn. Me and my partner have a precious night without our son tonight and I am seriously contemplating using it to flush the buggers out in an all night raid. Shall we cover your territory too, Dylan?

    My wonderment is how cats can shit so much. How? They’re only little beings. And how come no cat owner ever wonders where all the cat shit is, because it certainly isn’t in their garden. If you are a dog owner you know exactly how much and where it is shitting, because you are the one who clears it up. Only right and responsible.

    I share the beef about cat owners. But I also think that if only the cats could be arsed to go in to my neighbour’s garden and shit instead of mine, then I’d feel less aggrieved.

    Right, am off to shove some more shit so my son can play outside in his OWN garden without fear of catching a horrible disease.

    That is all….

  3. My, cats do polarise opinions, don’t they?

    I do appreciate all the criticisms. We have just one cat (two, until one caught feline leukaemia) but we do live in the countryside and have about four acres for it to roam in. Yes, they are wild animals, and this one does decimate the local vole population (that’s decimate as in ‘kills one in ten’) and tries to leave entrails where we can step on them — but it also discourages rats. Yes, it too shits on our excuse for a lawn — I think they appreciate it that we provide a soft spacious area to evacuate in — so we have to check it when the grandkids visit. And, like any pets (even goldfish) we have to arrange for friendly neighbours to check on its well-being when we’re away for a few days. Personally I’ve ‘done’ cats and when this one eventually kicks the litter tray I’d not bother with a replacement. Killers, shitters, domestic inconveniences, producers of allergens, a drain on the household budget — who would have them?

    “Cats aren’t intelligent”? Possibly not. They do however know which side their bread is buttered. Apparently domestic cats have developed a special purr to appeal to the nurturing instincts of their human owners. They also have facial expressions that have ensured that more than seven decades after their invention digital computers have “become an integral part of a sophisticated worldwide cat picture distribution system“. Intelligent or not, they’ve evolved to appeal to that proportion of the population that we label cat people.

    I’m certainly not a dog person. I’m evolving away from being a cat person. In fact, the only pets that I’m likely to maintain in future are those microscopic bugs that all flesh is heir to. And I won’t have any choice about where they evacuate.

    • Yes, Chris, cats do polarise opinion. This post appears to be my post that keeps on giving. I had no idea at the time just how emotional people would be (on both sides of the debate). I also attract at least a dozen google searches a week from people looking for answers. There are plenty in the comments section though for legal reasons I wouldn’t condone any of them!

  4. Well , well, we do have an input on the feline input, don’t we!…..
    Just an update…
    As of last week I had the police round referring about the sign I put up about shooting cats on my property.
    They actually laughed it off, saying that they can totally understand my way of thinking.
    However, they said that threatening to shoot anything was against the law, which I can understand. They said if If I took the sign down to shoot anything, I was within my rights…..Bad call.
    Since then I have shot two cats and given them both to my dog. Both have which been devoured within 5 minutes!!!!!
    No evidence can be found on my property and more so there is now no sign pointing the finger at me!
    It just gets better, the anti vandal paint that I put up has condemned many a cat , leading to many resident having black oil based paint over their wonderful carpets and furniture!!!!!
    Slowly, my bin bags are getting less attacked and my lawn getting less shit on!
    Whoops, are the owners getting negligent or more clued up on what is expected on cat owners……
    Fuckin cat owners, one by one you will learn your ignorance at the cost at your beloved moggy!!

    Once again, to you true, responsible cat owners, I applaud you, please teach the ignorant.
    Meow, meow…….

  5. Pingback: Google, we have a malfunction | Suffolk Scribblings
  6. Pingback: Merry Christmas to you all | Suffolk Scribblings
  7. Pingback: My top 10 blogging tips on building an audience | Suffolk Scribblings
  8. Pingback: There are easier ways to sell books than through blogging | Suffolk Scribblings

Don't be shy, talk to me. I promise I won't bite.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s